Five Top 5 Lists

Here now are five top five lists on a variety of subjects-

Top Five Steven Spielberg Movies-

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Schindler's List
Jaws

Jurassic Park
Hook

Top Five Beers-

Newcastle Brown Ale
Miller High Life
Uinta Cutthroat Pale Ale
Pabst Blue Ribbon

Peroni

Top Five Candy Bars-

Snickers

Twix
Milky Way Midnight
Butterfinger
Oh Henry!

Top Five Shows Currently on T.V.-

Mad Men
Dexter

Archer
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
30 Rock

Top Five Secondary Star Wars Characters-

Bib Fortuna

Wedge Antilles
Admiral Ackbar
Aunt Beru
Jar Jar Binks (Just Kidding)

Movie of the Week

This week,

STAR WARS (1977)

Starring- Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness

In honor of Star Wars day (May the 4th be with you) I am going to complete my reviews of the saga with the first film in the original trilogy. If you've been following my work on this blog, I have made a list of the top ten things I like best for Empire and Jedi. In case you've been in a coma since 1977, I'll quickly nutshell this movie. This kid learns that he has special powers from an old man and they go on a trip with the guy from Witness and a hairy thing to take out this floating sphere and rescue the gal who wrote Postcards From the Edge. Here now are the Top Ten things I like best about the film that changed sci-fi forever. The tradition continues...

10. Blue milk.

9. Tashi Station. That place has the best power converters on Tatooine.

8. The new scene that George Lucas added with Jabba the Hutt because the dialogue is no way the same as the scene that Greedo and Han have just minutes before.

7. Vader's force choke skills. Don't diss him at the conference table or you'll be sorry.

6. Grand Moff Tarkin. He's a skeletal and menacing partner for Darth Vader. What is a Moff, anyway?

5. The ability for Leia to keep that outfit white with all the crawling through garbage and gunfights and whatnot. I guess Mama Organa has the magic of Clorox 2.

4. The droid that has a bad motivator. Think about how different things would have been if his motivator hadn't been bad. I just blew your mind didn't I?

3. Porkins. I'm sad he dies, but I bet the rest of the rebels are kinda happy because there's more food left for them at the buffet back on Yavin.

2. Han Solo. That is all. P.S. He shot first.

1. The Millennium Falcon- she made the Kessell Run in less than 12 parsecs. I don't know what that means, but it sounds impressive.

Stay tuned for the special editions of my reviews of the Star Wars trilogy. They'll have new material and sweet special effects that I couldn't do because of limited technology.

Things to watch for-

Aunt Beru
Jawas- "Oooo-ti-di!"
Han has a boring conversation

"The force will be with you...always."

Some Bests

I've been a bit busy this week, so you'll have to forgive my lack of blog posts. With that said, prepare to be amazed.

Here are some things/people that are the best in a particular category. This list is legally binding.

Best Jedi- Yoda

Best Bumper Sticker Slogan-
"If it's petty don't sweat it and if it's sweaty don't pet it."

Best Month- March

Best Fifth Beatle- Billy Preston

Best Police Academy Film- Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

Best Entertaining Nerd- Ira Glass

Best Greek Food in Salt Lake- Greek Souvlaki

Best Beer in Salt Lake- Epic

Best Unelected President- Gerald Ford

Best Stand-up Comic- TIE- Patton Oswalt/Gallagher

Best Wife- Mine, duh!

Movie of the Week

This week,

RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983)

Starring- Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams

Alright, my little Ewoks, I am going Star Wars on you for this week's movie. Thankfully, George Lucas had not yet become the world's greatest ruiner when he penned the final chapter in the Star Wars saga. Picking up where The Empire Strikes Back leaves off, Jedi reunites us with Luke and Co. as they try to rescue Han Solo (still frozen) from Jabba The Hutt back on Tatooine. Once they get Han back, (sorry if that spoiled anything) the story then turns to Luke's struggle to defeat Darth "Papa" Vader and the Emperor, while the rebels make a last ditch attempt to take out the new Death Star.

 Rather than boring you with details from a movie that we all know so well, I will do what I did last time and give you my Top Ten favorite things about Episode VI.

10. Yoda's death. Sad and moving at the same time, but one wonders if he had been able to tell Luke more stuff before he died if he didn't say "Luke" at the start of every sentence. Think about it.

9. Nub Nub- the best Ewok song that is sadly cut out of the Special Edition. Thanks a lot, Lucas.

8. The Speeder Chase in the forest. Really ahead of its time and quite exciting.

7. The Max Rebo Band- outside of the Cantina Band they are Tatooine's most popular and highest rated music group. I smell a Grammy coming for Sy Snoodles.

6. Sarlak. If you had to live in a giant anus in the desert you'd be cranky too.

5. Force Lightning. It's so cool that you almost wish the Emperor got to finish frying Luke with it.

4. Admiral Ackbar's ability to sense a trap.

3. Just so you know I'm not going to put Ewoks on this list because they suck. I'm even going to waste this spot just to say how lame they are.

2. The fat, dirty guy with man boobs who lives down in the Rancor pit.

1. Slave Leia. Every nerd's greatest fantasy and the hottest space chick until that girl with three boobs from Total Recall came along.

That's the list. May the Force be with you.

Things to watch for-

Salacious Crumb
A young Warwick Davis (Willow) as Wicket the Ewok
Rebel Scum
Darth Vader is really an old white guy

"The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

Top 10 Movie Duos

Some films feature as their protagonists a team, a tandem, a pair. Here now is my list of the best onscreen duos of all time.

10. WAYNE AND GARTH

These two are the classic party pair. Appearing in two films together, they showed us the fun in head banging to Bohemian Rhapsody, hanging backstage with Alice Cooper and bagging schwing-worthy babes. Myers and Carvey were the perfect foils for each other in these roles that they originated on Saturday Night Live. Other than The Blues Brothers, they hold the distinction of having the best movie based on SNL characters. (Played by Mike Myers and Dana Carvey)

9. WALLACE AND DAVIS

Appearing together in the classic White Christmas, these two song and dance men had great chemistry and comic timing. Unlike Bing Crosby's work with Bob Hope, this duo has the benefit of singing classic Irving Berlin songs. This duo is a triple threat- singing, dancing, and wisecracking. (Played by Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby)

8. MILES AND JACK

This may seem like a weird choice, but this duo from Sideways is classic. These two misanthropes provide some great moments as they drink wine, charm the ladies and get into some compromising situations. The movie is great, but so is the DVD commentary that features the two actors channeling their onscreen chemistry. (Played by Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church)

7. JOE FRIDAY AND PEP STREEBECK

This is a marquee big screen tandem. Aykroyd is perfect as the straight man while Hanks is free to be wild and wacky. While many would say Aykroyd's best paring was with John Belushi and Hanks' was with Peter Scolari, or Wilson the volleyball- I disagree. Many people forget how funny Tom Hanks can be, and in Dragnet he was paired with one of the great comic actors of his generation. The final scene where they discuss the virgin Connie Swail is a great microcosm of the Friday/Streebeck relationship. (Played by Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks)

6. HARRY AND LLOYD

Whether they're selling dead birds to blind kids, accidentally poisoning mobsters or going where the beer flows like wine, Harry and Lloyd are absolutely hilarious. Like all great twosomes, they really love each other, even if they let a girl get between them. However, at the end of the day their friendship is the driving force in the film, and for that the viewers are grateful. (Played by Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey)

5. C-3PO and R2-D2

The droids that love to argue are an intergalactic version of The Odd Couple. I even heard that they were cast in an off Broadway version of the Neil Simon classic. Fussy, uptight C-3PO would be nothing without his crusty little counterpart, R2-D2. Without their plucky comic relief, the Star Wars movies would have been much less fun to watch. (Played by Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker)

4. GUSTAFSON AND GOLDMAN

Lemmon and Matthau shared the screen several times in their storied film careers, but their best and most side-splitting work came in the two Grumpy Old Men movies. It was as if Felix and Oscar in The Odd Couple both got old, bitter and started swearing at each other. Not only do they make you laugh at their antics as they fight over Ann-Margaret, they touch you with their eventual friendship. (Played by Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau)

3. PEACHY CARNAHAN AND DANIEL DRAVOT

The real life friendship of Caine and Connery comes across in this tremendous movie duo. As Masons and British soldiers, they embark on a dangerous and exciting adventure that takes the audience inside their deep friendship of many years. It is thrilling to watch their adventures together, as their relationship is put to the ultimate test in The Man Who Would Be King. (Played by Michael Caine and Sean Connery)

2. RIGGS AND MURTAUGH

Sure, Mel Gibson has lost it, but he did have it at one point and he 'had it' best when paired with Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon movies. These two are the archetypes for buddy cops and have given us some of the most fun moments in action movie history. It may seem like a cliche now, but Riggs and Murtaugh as the loose cannon and by-the-book family man, respectively, were trendsetters in their day. (Played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover)

1. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID

Arguably the most iconic screen pair ever, these two got into and out of more trouble than every other pair on this list combined. It is a thing of beauty to watch Butch and Sundance bicker, run, work and shoot. Much of what this pair did has been emulated by other great movie tandems over the years since this film's release. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? (Played by Paul Newman and Robert Redford)

Top 5 Fictional Bands

There have been many made up musical groups over the years, and I happen to like many of them. Movies and T.V. shows have given us some great songs from bands that aren't real, but so often you wish that they were. Here now are my favorite bands that don't actually exist.

5. THE BE SHARPS

The Simpsons gave us this barbershop quartet of Homer, Barney, Apu and Principal Skinner, that won a Grammy Award for their hit "Baby on Board." Just like another band on this list, the Be Sharps are a parody of The Beatles, and most of their work revolves around jokes about the Fab Four. For example, they do a rooftop concert, many of their album covers look like Beatle albums and Barney even gets a Japanese avant garde girlfriend.

4. MAX REBO BAND

Jabba the Hutt's house band is an all time classic fake group. I'm more a fan of the early Max Rebo Band's stuff- meaning the work that they did before George Lucas had to add crap to the 1997 release of Return of the Jedi. Go back and watch for their great hits in the original version of the film. Sy Snoodles is a hot lead singer too.

3. THE RUTLES

If you're going to rip off a real band for your fake band, there is no better one to steal from than The Beatles. Instead of John, Paul, George and Ringo, The Rutles boast the lineup of Nasty, Dirk, Stig and Barry and their musical prowess is amazing enough to last a lunchtime. With their hits like, Ouch!, Yellow Submarine Sandwich and Get Up and Go, we are privy to musical genius in its highest form. It's actually really fun to see how much their songs sound like Beatle hits without actually being direct rip-offs.

2. THE BLUES BROTHERS

This band would be number one, but they are a borderline real band, so they get bumped to two. The great show band of Joliet Jake and Elwood actually toured, had several albums and two movies because they were so good on Saturday Night Live. The Blues Brothers signature sound was a traditional blues rhythm section combined with a New York horn section and the smoky vocals of Jake Blues (John Belushi). They really set the standard for all future fake bands to be measured against. No phony music act, save one, can top their awesomeness.

1. SPINAL TAP

Britain's loudest band is also the greatest fake band of all time. Spinal Tap's lineup of David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls has given us so many great hits like Big Bottom, Sex Farm and Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight, as well as the definitive example of how to live the rock and roll lifestyle. No other band, fake or real, lives up to their billing like Tap does. Despite their line of deceased drummers, all black album covers and some controversy over their music, they are still out there today making fake music and cranking it up to eleven.

Movie of the Week

This week,

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980)

Starring- Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams

I know that many Ewok lovers like Return of the Jedi best, but for me, Empire is the best film in the Star Wars saga. It has so many great moments, pivotal scenes and the best dialogue in the series (George Lucas didn't write it). The darkest of the original films, Empire takes us deep into the backstory of Anakin Skywalker and fleshes out things only hinted at in A New Hope. I actually like the remastered version of this film as well, mostly because there wasn't anything to fix or add, so George Lucas had a hard time ruining it.

Instead of reviewing a movie that most of the world has already seen a kajillion times, I will instead list the top ten things that I like best about Episode V.

10. The Family Guy parody- Something Something Something Dark Side. See it, I laughed so hard that I peed.

9. The most pimp response to "I love you" ever committed to film. Thanks Han, you're a total scoundrel.

8. The taun tauns. This is for my friend Natalie.

7. Boba Fett. I'd put him higher, but he never really does anything. Watch the movie again, his badass reputation is based on very little actual bounty hunting. He's still cool though.

6. Darth Vader's nasty scarred head. It looks like a rotten cabbage.

5. The AT-ATs. They are super awesome and hard to bring down. Unless you've got Wedge firing a tow cable.

4. Yoda's force skills. This Jedi Master is a wealth of knowledge and quotes. He's like a little green Tony Robbins.

3. Luke's hand getting cut off. I love seeing that little bitch get sliced up by Vader. That's what you get for whining about those power converters, Luke.

2. Lando Calrissian. Such a smooth operator, and a great boss too. Just ask Lobot.

1. The John Williams score. I know a lot of his music sounds the same, and he jumped the shark a long time ago, but this is the best score he ever wrote and it needs to be recognized.

There you have it, kids. May the force be with you.

"I thought they smelled bad...on the outside."

Top 10 Villains of All Time

The movie industry has given us some great villains over the years, and I feel compelled to recognize the ten that I think are the best. Here they are...

10. KHAN NOONIEN SINGH

Star Trek's best and most memorable villain gets us off to a great start. Khan is a genetically engineered genius who is hell-bent on revenge. It is Khan's determination that makes him a great villain, and his use of brain burrowing, mind controlling eels on his enemies doesn't hurt either. (Played by Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek II)

9. HARRY LIME

Perhaps the most charming villain on this list, Harry Lime is a criminal mastermind. His plot leaves many people dead or terminally ill, and he feels no remorse. He is a product of World War II and its aftermath, but that is no excuse for his sadistic behavior. (Played by Orson Welles in The Third Man)

8. CAPTAIN BLIGH

This is the only villain on this list who actually existed in real life. Captain Bligh is a cruel disciplinarian that forces his crew into mutiny because of his evil and irrational treatment of his men on the H.M.S. Bounty. Bligh has been played by many men, but make sure to see the 1935 Oscar winning version of Mutiny on the Bounty for the best and most villainous Bligh. (Played by Charles Laughton)

7. BRICKTOP

You might look at this guy and think, "Who's this old dork?" But while you're thinking that, he'll be planning to kill you and feed you to his pigs. That's right, he's a mob boss who kills his enemies and those who displease him and feeds them to his pet pigs. Don't cross Bricktop, he's a tough customer. (Played by Alan Ford in Snatch)

6. HARRY POWELL

There's nothing more villainous than a bad man who pretends to be good. Harry Powell claims to be a minister, but he is really a thief and a murderer. Worse than that, his target is two children who know his true intentions. I'll never hear the hymn "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" and not be creeped out. (Played by Robert Mitchum in The Night of the Hunter)

5. NURSE RATCHED

This woman makes mental hospitals less appealing than they already are. Her manipulative hold on her patients makes her a very evil villain, and responsible for more problems than she cures. She's also not willing to be challenged, and will use any means necessary to stay in control. (Played by Louise Fletcher in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)

4. ROSA KLEBB/RED GRANT

These are the two best villains that James Bond creator Ian Fleming ever gave us. They get paired together because one is the brains and one is the braun. He's the most dangerous assassin SPECTRE has, and she's the creepy mastermind with poison knives in her shoes. 007 has a hard time getting the better of the these two. (Played by Lotte Lenya and Robert Shaw in From Russia With Love)

3. THE JOKER

Completely unpredictable, ruthless and sadistic, The Joker is in a class of his own. The fact that he believes in anarchy might make him the most dangerous villain on this list, and his wicked sense of humor only adds to his menacing personality. Wanna know how he got his scars? (Played by Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight)

2. DR. HANNIBAL LECTER

This guy is a genius psychiatrist who eats people. He eats people! What else do you need to know? Maybe that he's always two steps ahead, and that he's really charming and manipulative. The Silence of the Lambs is scary as shit, and 99% of that is because of Dr. Lecter. (Played by Sir Anthony Hopkins)

1. DARTH VADER

You cannot think villain without picturing Darth Vader. He is the epitome of evil, with his force chokes, his light saber skills, the black helmet and that deep voice. I don't know if any villain before or since has made as big an impact as the Dark Lord of the Sith. (Played by David Prowse and James Earl Jones in the Original Star Wars trilogy)