Five Top 5 Lists

Here now are five top five lists on a variety of subjects-

Top Five Steven Spielberg Movies-

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Schindler's List
Jaws

Jurassic Park
Hook

Top Five Beers-

Newcastle Brown Ale
Miller High Life
Uinta Cutthroat Pale Ale
Pabst Blue Ribbon

Peroni

Top Five Candy Bars-

Snickers

Twix
Milky Way Midnight
Butterfinger
Oh Henry!

Top Five Shows Currently on T.V.-

Mad Men
Dexter

Archer
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
30 Rock

Top Five Secondary Star Wars Characters-

Bib Fortuna

Wedge Antilles
Admiral Ackbar
Aunt Beru
Jar Jar Binks (Just Kidding)

Look, A Schmohawk!

I now present to you a new group of Schmohawks. Ridicule them, as I have done, for they carry high the standard of Schmohawkery.

JOHNNY MILLER-

This guy is golf's greatest Schmohawk. So much so that it's clear most of, if not all, his fellow broadcasters at NBC barely seem to be able to tolerate him. His ridiculous comments and holier-than-thou attitude make the tournaments he calls almost unwatchable. We get it, you were a good player, but Jack Nicklaus he isn't. He's from Utah so maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can't. Johnny Miller is an insufferable gas bag, i.e. a Schmohawk.

DANE COOK

Like many people, I laughed at some of his jokes when he first came on the scene, but then I just stopped laughing. Why? Because this Schmohawk really isn't that funny. Guess why we haven't heard his name lately- it's because he ran out of material about two years ago and made some of the worst movies ever. I hope he didn't blow all of his money when he was popular because Schmohawk comedians don't make that much once the pubic moves on to people who actually have talent.

THE KARDASHIANS

I've never seen people with less reason to be famous than the Schmohawkians. I didn't know dating/marrying athletes was something that got you an automatic ticket to stardom. I guess you have to give them credit for parlaying something any half decent looking woman could do into money, fame and the most god-awful excuse for a T.V. show in the history of the world. The only people who are bigger Schmohawks than the Kardashians are their fans. People usually go away if they're ignored, so please, stop keeping up with them.

Top 5 Star Trek Episodes

Star Trek was a T.V. series ahead of its time. Creator Gene Roddenberry and his group of writers gave us an optimistic and exciting glimpse at what our future might hold, and they did it with compelling stories and memorable characters. While there were some cheesy 1960's elements within the show, Star Trek was groundbreaking. Here now are my picks for the best episodes- in no particular order.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Kirk, Scotty, McCoy and Uhura get accidentally transported into a savage mirror universe where Spock has a beard, the crew moves up in rank by assassination and everyone wears sparkly sashes. They have to get back to their own Enterprise before they are discovered to be frauds by the evil mirror people. This is the classic alternate universe episode that spawned many copycats in later Star Trek series. Best Moment- Kirk still manages to get some mirror universe poon while trying to escape.

SPACE SEED

The Enterprise comes upon a sleeper ship carrying a ripped, bronzed superman and his followers. That swarthy superman is Khan, a tyrant from the 1990's. When Khan isn't charming the ladies, he's trying to steal the Enterprise and murder Captain Kirk. Kirk eventually bests Khan and maroons him on Ceti Alpha V, but I have a strange feeling we'll see him again someday. Best Moment- Kirk and Khan's fist fight in engineering. Those aren't stuntmen, people. (Those are stuntmen.)

THE CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER

A young hottie named Joan Collins guest stars in this classic episode. McCoy goes insane and Kirk and Spock must use a talking portal named the Guardian of Forever to travel back in time to rescue him. In the process of rescuing McCoy and saving the space/time continuum, Kirk falls in love with Edith Keeler (Collins). McCoy is eventually saved, but not before a tragic ending. This is one of the sadder, more moving episodes in the series. Best Moment- Spock builds a radio.

JOURNEY TO BABEL

This episode introduces us to Spock's parents, Amanda and Sarek. The Enterprise is taking various diplomats to a conference on the planet Babel, but there is a murderer on board who targets Sarek and then Kirk. Both men are seriously injured and Spock is torn between his duty and saving his father via a transfusion. With the ship under attack things get messy, and Spock must make a sacrifice. What happens? Watch it and find out. Best Moment- Spock's daddy issues.

THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES

One of the funnier episodes, The Trouble With Tribbles follows the crew as they are carrying a cargo of grain to the K-7 station. Things go awry when the Klingons show up, and when fuzzy fur balls called tribbles take over the ship and the station and eat all the grain. Tribbles may be cute, but don't feed them, kids, you'll be sorry. Best Moment- The tribble hates the Klingon.

We Hardly Knew Ye 2010

Here is a list of some of the people we lost in the last year. Think of it as my version of the Oscars' "In Memoriam" video montage.

LESLIE NIELSEN (Actor- The Naked Gun movies, Airplane!)

RONNIE JAMES DIO (Badass rock star)

GARY COLEMAN (Child Star, Utah Resident)

TONY CURTIS (Actor- Some Like It Hot, Spartacus)

BARBARA BILLINGSLEY (Actress- Leave it to Beaver)

BLAKE EDWARDS (Director/Writer- The Pink Panther movies, Victor/Victoria)

TOM BOSLEY (Actor- Happy Days)

RUE MCCLANAHAN (Actress- The Golden Girls)

GEORGE STEINBRENNER (Owner, New York Yankees, The Boss)

PETER GRAVES (Actor- Mission: Impossible, Airplane!)

MANUTE BOL (Basketball Player, Activist)

DENNIS HOPPER (Actor- Speed, Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now)

Farewell.

The Next...

Over the past few years we have seen celebrities regain fame as they make fun of themselves or gain cult status for odd, funny or shameful behavior. Chuck Norris, Betty White, William Shatner and David Hasselhoff are among those who have gone from famous to off the radar to wildly popular for their work and/or embarrassing behavior. The Chuck Norris jokes have become a phenomenon, Betty White is in everything after her surprise appearance in a Snickers ad, and Germans love David Hasselhoff. I am now going to predict three celebrities that will be the next in line to come back into the fold. Let's all bask in their reflected glory.

STEVE GUTTENBERG

David Hasselhoff's appeal has a lot to do with his nickname- 'The Hoff.' Well, Steve Guttenberg is 'The Gute' and should be making a pop culture comeback soon. I predict some kind of Police Academy reference in a movie or commercial that reminds us all of when we first fell in love with Det. Carey Mahoney, and how he showed us how love, laugh and use that guy who makes all the sound effects to play pranks on people. Tell your agent to sit by the phone, Steve, the call is coming.

GARY BUSEY

I know that you're thinking Gary Busey already made the rounds when he went batshit crazy and when he was on Celebrity Fit Club or whatever, but I foresee a bigger pop culture moment on the horizon for Gary Busey. His prior work in this area makes him a strong candidate to repeat. I'm thinking he'll do some kind of drunken, unintentional You Tube stunt that coins the phrase, "You've just been Buseyed."

VICKI- THE ROBOT FROM 'SMALL WONDER'

I see a child stars from the 1980's Playboy spread, followed by a viral video campaign where she gives robotic public service announcements from the future. The rekindled fame for Vicki will be super ironic, but she won't care- none of them ever do. This one is really obscure, but if it goes well I smell a comeback for Mr. Belvedere's Wesley and Donny Most from Happy Days.

Don't forget, when these "stars" get their next 15 minutes, remember who predicted it. Me, baby.

Best Shows on T.V.

I don't really follow any T.V. shows anymore. DVD has ruined me for watching shows on T.V., and all I do anymore is wait for a show to end or come out on DVD after a season is over. Also, it takes a lot of discipline to budget out time each week to keep up with a current show. I really haven't followed a show since Friends and Seinfeld were on. There are a few shows that I enjoy that are currently still being made, but I don't follow them. Here they are.

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

I always loved Seinfeld, but I think I might prefer Curb. Larry David is a genius, and after watching Curb it is clear that he was really the brains behind Seinfeld, and Jerry wasn't as funny or clever as I thought. The stuff that Larry gets into is absolutely hilarious, and I love the supporting cast of Jeff, Susie. Leon and Cheryl. I haven't seen the new season with the Seinfeld reunion (not on DVD yet), but I really can't wait. I only hope Larry keeps making the show so that we can continue to see all the weird crap he gets into.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Just like Curb, this show is about a group of degenerates who do unthinkable things. It is also hysterically funny. The gang from Paddy's Pub is like a white trash Seinfeld crew, and their antics vary from finding a dumpster baby to stalking the waitress to pooping the bed. Frank and Charlie are the best characters, but it wouldn't be the same without Mac, Dennis and Dee. Watch the gang because as Frank says, "Poop is funny."

CLEAN HOUSE

It's really nice that this crew comes in and helps people get rid of their clutter. I love how it changes people's lives for the better and I also like the witty banter between the Clean House team. They are all so charming! Just kidding. This show bugs me because the weirdos never want to give up their stuff to get new rooms. I totally punked you with the Clean House entry.

Get Bent, Jay!

Conan O'Brien is too good for NBC. The fact that they want to keep Jay Leno instead of Conan shows that they are even dumber than CBS who still continues to show that sociopath Charlie Sheen in the moron-fest, Two and A Half Men. By the way, that kid should count as a whole man by now- he's a big boy. Did he eat Jon Cryer? I'm just saying. Jay has never been funny, and will never be funny, no matter at what time they put his stupid show. I've seen episodes of This Old House that made me laugh harder than anything Jay Leno ever did. I hope Conan gets his own show again, and that NBC takes a huge hit for sticking with the giant chin. Here now is a link to Conan's hilarious monologue from last night's Tonight Show.

http://www.wwtdd.com/2010/01/conan-seems-upset-about-something/

Enjoy!