Monday, September 27, 2010

O.M.G. McFlippy's

I like to eat out when I can.  Usually I will go out with my wife to a nice place, but sometimes we’ll slum it. Sometimes we’ll just pile in the car and go on down to Chili’s or TGI Friday’s or Applebee’s.  Remember when Applebee’s started that new ad campaign?  They tried to kind of upscale their ads and logo, so that it didn’t look like such a dank nightmare of a chain. I know, let’s get that good looking John Corbett to be our spokesperson, that’ll show ‘em! I’ve probably only eaten at Applebee’s three or four times, but I’ve been to Chili’s and TGI Friday’s more often, but I can tell you that I feel the same way about all of them. They suck. I’m sorry if you like to eat at these places, but to me they could all be combined into one annoying super-chain so that we could just simplify our lives.  What the hell, let’s throw Red Robin and Wingers and Johnny Rockets and Ruby Tuesday’s in there too.  That’s where we’ll be someday, there will be just one stupid super chain restaurant. It’ll have all the charm and crap that all these places have. It’ll be called O.M.G. McFlippy’s and it’ll have a slogan like- “Flip in some flavor, neighbor!” 

So, you’ll walk in and on the speakers at some ungodly decibel is some shitty old Sugar Ray song from 1998, and some girl with a headset greets you at the door, and they walk you way the hell around the restaurant into some hidden alcove somewhere where you find your table.  I didn’t even know this part of the building existed. Of course there’ll be some huge family with like seven kids at the table next to you, and there’s spilled milk and pasta and pieces of cheese all over the place. Let's see what there is to eat.

Guess what O.M.G. McFlippy's has to offer-

-So much crazy crap on the walls
            -License plates from other states? Get outta here!
            -Hub caps- no way!
            -Wacky old posters

-Drink menus with huge pictures of punch bowl sized drinks with names like-
            -Razzleberry Mucho Gusto Margarita
            -Diablo Daquiri
            -Ragin’ Cajun Mondo Mixer Martini
            -Blended Blitz Bacardi Bomb

The 80 page menu with pictures of the most garish items.
-Appetizers which include-
            -Southwestern Shrimp Sizzlers
            -Ranch Dippers
            -Potato Skin Shooters
            -Deep Fried Mozarella Finger Twisters with 6 delicious dipping sauces
            -Twelve Alarm Toxic Atomic Boneless Wings- that are so hot- you’ll shit the bed!

            -Salads that have more dressing than anything else
            -Jack Daniels Shrimp, Sirloin, Chicken, Pork Ribs, Beef Ribs, Scallops, Lobster, Burgers, Tripe, Veal, Lamb Chops, Pork Chops, Venison, T-Bone, Porterhouse, Filet, Flank Steak, Rib Eye, London Broil and Bacon Wrapped Cheese.
            -Fish and Chips with a 50/1 breading to fish ratio
            -Fajitas served on the hottest skillet imaginable
            -Molten Peach Cobbler
            -Molten Chocolate Thunder Volcano Cake
            -Molten Cheesecake
            -Molten Apple Strudel
            -Molten Jack Daniels Deep Fried Cookie Dough Mound with Ice Cream

And for those customers who are too obese and ashamed to come in, don’t worry because we’ll bring your 9 Appetizer platters and your Jack Daniels’ Ribwich basket out to your Dodge Neon, free of charge! 


  1. Bhahahaha! Oh man, you nailed it. So, the big question is: What the hell is going to replace TGI Fridays in Foothill Village? I can't tell you how many times I ate there in high school. (Mind you, I was extra-obnoxious and always ordered off the kids' menu)

  2. I gotta say, I would probably eat a Molten Jack Daniels Deep Fried Cookie Dough Mound with Ice Cream..