Interview with Santa

Rarely does Conned! get to interview famous people- in fact, this is the first time. Here now is my exclusive interview with Santa Claus. He and I sat down in his workshop earlier this month.

CB: Santa, thanks so much for taking the time today, we all know how busy you are this time of year.

Santa Claus: No problem.

CB: I just want to start by saying thanks for all the presents over the years.

SC: My pleasure, you were always pretty good as a kid.

CB: I tried. Anyway, let's get down to it. Do you think that kids nowadays are as good as they used to be?

SC: Some years are better than others. I could sit here and tell you that kids in this decade are worse than kids in the 1960's, but I'd be lying. The naughty list varies from year to year, like this year the list is actually much shorter than last year.

CB: Any particularly naughty years that leap to mind?

SC: 1996. That was the worst Christmas for me in all my years of delivering presents. So many naughty kids that year.

CB: How come?

SC: That damn Tickle Me Elmo. Never before were so many kids nasty to their parents, and all for that ridiculous giggling muppet. I really considered hanging it up after that year. Luckily, Mrs. Claus talked me out of retiring.

CB: Lucky for all of us. I wanted to ask you, of all the movies about you, what actor captured Santa the best on screen?

SC: I think probably Ed Asner in Elf. I always liked him on the Mary Tyler Moore Show and I felt he had the right twinkle in his eye when he played me. I'm also partial to that goofball Andy Dick as my evil son in The Hebrew Hammer. That movie is hilarious.

CB: Favorite Christmas carol?

SC: It's a tie between Bing Crosby's White Christmas and Eartha Kitt's Santa Baby.

CB: I see. What is the hot toy for this year?

SC: The buzz around the workshop is that it's these Pillow Pets. I'm really encouraged that kids are going for a plush toy this year instead of so much electronic gadgetry. Plus, stuff like the Pillow Pets are so much lighter to carry in my sack than PlayStation 3s. Do you know what that's like?

CB: I don't.

SC: It's heavy. I'm not as young as I used to be, Conor.

CB: We don't want to keep you too much longer since Christmas is only a couple weeks away, but I have to ask, who is your Super Bowl pick?

SC: I'm a lifelong Browns fan, but they always stink. I've got a good feeling about the Atlanta Falcons this year.

CB: Thanks so much, Santa.

SC: My pleasure.

Eat your heart out, Doug Fabrizio.