We Hardly Knew Ye 2010

Here is a list of some of the people we lost in the last year. Think of it as my version of the Oscars' "In Memoriam" video montage.

LESLIE NIELSEN (Actor- The Naked Gun movies, Airplane!)

RONNIE JAMES DIO (Badass rock star)

GARY COLEMAN (Child Star, Utah Resident)

TONY CURTIS (Actor- Some Like It Hot, Spartacus)

BARBARA BILLINGSLEY (Actress- Leave it to Beaver)

BLAKE EDWARDS (Director/Writer- The Pink Panther movies, Victor/Victoria)

TOM BOSLEY (Actor- Happy Days)

RUE MCCLANAHAN (Actress- The Golden Girls)

GEORGE STEINBRENNER (Owner, New York Yankees, The Boss)

PETER GRAVES (Actor- Mission: Impossible, Airplane!)

MANUTE BOL (Basketball Player, Activist)

DENNIS HOPPER (Actor- Speed, Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now)

Farewell.

Worst Sports Franchises

There are certain teams in every sport that never cease to make terrible choices and are perennial bottom feeders. Here now, are three of the worst.

WORST FRANCHISES

L.A. Clippers

These guys could screw up a cup of coffee. Year after year the Clippers fail to even attempt to come close to dethroning the Lakers as L.A.'s favorite team. As far back as I can remember they have been losers and laughingstocks. They continually fail to keep good players and make huge mistakes with who they bring in as free agents. Blake Griffin is a legit star, but knowing the Clippers, they will find a way to lose him too.

Detroit Lions

I feel bad for Lions fans. They are forced to live in a city that has been deeply affected by the bad economy, and then to escape the hardships they have to go watch the only team to ever go 0-16 in NFL history. Trying to overcome the culture of losing is tough, but the current management seems to be on the right track. Let's hope they can do it and get the Lions of this list.


Pittsburgh Pirates

I don't even watch baseball, but I know enough to know that this team stinks, and has for along time. Even when it seems like they have a good team and some momentum, the front office dumps their good players and sends the team back to the MLB cellar. Good thing that the citizens of Pittsburgh have the Penguins and Steelers to root for.

NFL Season Preview

Drew Brees- QB New Orleans Saints

Chris Johnson- RB Tennessee Titans

Forget ESPN, Sports Illustrated and all those other "authorities," Conned! is your home for the best, most entertaining and accurate Football prognosticating in the blogosphere. Having done a good deal of research, I am now ready to give you my picks, prospects and preview for the 2010 football season. Enjoy!

2010 NFL Standings-
(*- Denotes Playoff Team)

NFC

East-
1. Cowboys* ('boys play well, but the pressure to play the Super Bowl at home is too much to handle)
2. Redskins (McNabb makes Eagles pay for trading him, and Shanahan builds his 3-4 toward a 2011 playoff berth)
3. Eagles (Vick and Kolb do their best, but it isn't enough to make the playoffs)
4. Giants (Too many injuries and losses mount for the once strong N.Y. Football Giants. Sorry, Eli)

South-
1. Saints* (Brees and Co. return to the big game behind high powered 'O', opportunistic 'D' and Sean Peyton's great coaching)
2. Falcons* (Ryan leads his team back to the playoffs, and maybe the birds even win a game as a Wild Card)
3. Buccaneers (Improvements abound for the Bucs, but there's too much competition in this division)
4. Panthers (Jimmy Clausen takes over at QB mid-season for this rebuilding bunch)

North-
1. Packers* (Rodgers gets the Pack to the NFC Championship, but the Super Bowl will have to wait 'til 2011)
2. Vikings* (Whether Favre plays or not, this team is loaded, and will be a Wild Card at worst)
3. Bears (Cutler and the defense improve, but not enough to save Lovie Smith's job)
4. Lions (Lions keep moving forward, but it's too tough in this division to be any better than 6-10)

West-
1. 49ers* (Niners get back to the playoffs behind Gore, Smith and Coach Singletary's punishing Defense)
2. Seahawks (Carroll's first year is semi-successful, but not like he is used to- let's say 7-9)
3. Cardinals (Leinart ain't Warner, and it shows as Arizona goes backward)
4. Rams (St. Louis shows signs of future greatness with some surprising wins behind rookie Bradford)

AFC

East-
1. Jets* (Rex's kids get it done, despite high expectations, but have some work to do to go all the way)
2. Patriots* (Tom looks strong, but the no-name defense lets the Pats down in the playoffs)
3. Dolphins (Henne is a star in the making, but the fish need some more help to win in this division)
4. Bills (Buffalo isn't going to do much. Did anybody think they would?)

South-
1. Colts* (Playoffs prove to be the Colts undoing again, as Manning struggles without a running game)
2. Texans (Houston just misses the playoffs again, 8-8 is becoming a habit)
3. Titans (Vince Young and Chris Johnson are studs, but there's not much else there)
4. Jaguars (Maurice Jones-Drew is a great fantasy pick, but sadly these guys are playing in the reality of the NFL)

North-
1. Ravens* (Flacco, Rice and the defense are at that critical point to make the leap to the top of the league)
2. Bengals* (The T.O. experiment works until the Bengals fold in the playoffs)
3. Steelers (Big Ben's 4-6 game absence hurts Pittsburgh and they never recover)
4. Browns (Cleveland is better in 2010 under Holmgren, but it's a long road back for the nation's most depressing sports town)

West-
1. Chiefs* (I'm being bold and saying upstart Kansas City dethrones the Chargers as the class of the West)
2. Chargers (Injuries and Norv Turner's milquetoast coaching doom the Bolts chances, despite the arm of Philip Rivers)
3. Broncos (Tebow ends up starting by week 10 when the Broncos season is mathematically over)
4. Raiders (Al Davis' team gets better, but it's pretty hard to polish a turd)

NFC Championship- SAINTS over PACKERS
AFC Championship- RAVENS over JETS
Super Bowl XLV- RAVENS over SAINTS

There you have it, kids. I welcome any comments about my picks. Discussion is good. Football is good. Discussions about football are great.

Farewell, Brett (that's sarcasm)

So, apparently Brett Favre is retiring. I'm so sad. Boo hoo. I'd actually be sad though if he hadn't retired and unretired, retired and unretired so many times already. Dude, just make a decision and stick with it. Ordering pizza with Brett must be impossible. "I'll have Hawaiian. No actually I'll have cheese. I don't know though, that Hawaiian looked pretty good." Jesus.

I'm really happy, though that the Vikings are being held hostage by Favre's decision because of my deep dislike for them. Favre did this retirement tango for years with my beloved Packers until they finally grew the onions to tell him to go away and do it to another team. Indeed he did, and the Vikings seem perfectly happy to cater to Favre and his ego, even while his teammates are working hard at training camp, and the team's two other quarterbacks sit around wondering if this is more Favre bull plop or the real deal.

Do us all a favor, Brett, retire this time. Not because you torched the Packers twice last year, and not because ESPN will probably go out of business when all this speculation about you finally goes away, but because you have worn out your welcome. Some people say that Brett has earned the right to do this because of his many years of greatness, but I say- NO. Just like any indecisive person, he needs to be slapped for all this waffling. Be it retirement or pizza, eventually Brett will be forced to come to a decision, and it won't be his anymore. And by the way, we're getting pepperoni and olives- that's final.

There's Only One Number 23- and It Isn't Him

In one of the most cowardly acts in the history of sports, LeBron James opted to leave Cleveland for the Miami Heat on July 8th, 2010. I cannot cheer for him ever again because of this. Instead of trying to lift a city and a franchise out of the cellar, he will instead go play in a city that has had its ample share of success and for a team that has had an NBA Championship this decade. Classy move, LeBron. I don't feel a shred of remorse for him as the Cleveland fans rip him, and burn his jerseys, and the owner of the Cavs insults him via a statement. The 'King' is not in the same league as Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson or any of the other greats because instead of opting to do the right thing, he did the selfish thing.

Yes, everyone needs to look out for themselves, but what if Jordan had left the Bulls in 1990 for say, the Lakers, or the Celtics? Would he have achieved the same kind of status and become the greatest player ever? NO! LeBron just cost himself his legacy with this move to the Heat. Nobody will care if he wins a championship or two, because it came at the expense of something more valuable- integrity. I will forever respect men like Karl Malone or Charles Barkley or John Stockton or Patrick Ewing more than a guy like Adam Morrison. Sure, Morrison has two rings, but he sucks. LeBron would be so much better served by never winning and staying in Cleveland than bitching out and joining the Heat for a few trips to the Finals. At least Ewing and Stockton can say they never sold out and joined up with another team to try to win a ring. What is a ring worth if it comes because of someone else's work? Malone and Barkley tried to switch teams to do it and failed, just like LeBron deserves to.

LeBron has a famous quote about how he will never disappoint anybody, but guess what- he just disappointed everybody that's not living in Miami-Dade County. I'm sorry for Cavs fans, I'm sorry for Cavs players and I'm sorry for everyone who just saw their idol quit on his team and his fans, and opt for the easy way out. Enjoy your time in Miami, LeBron, I hope it was worth it.

P.S. Pat Riley is as big a slimeball as there is.

Movie of the Week

This week,

CADDYSHACK (1980)

Starring- Chevy Chase, Ted Knight, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray

Caddyshack is to golf what Animal House is to college. This movie has done more for the sport of golf than Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson combined. Even if you are not a golfer, there is enough hilarity to make you laugh til you cry, and enough memorable lines to keep you quoting forever. Based on some of the experiences of writers Doug Kenney, Harold Ramis and Brian Doyle-Murray, the film follows the action at the posh Bushwood Country Club. Among the members of the club are the aloof playboy, Ty Webb (Chase), snobbish Judge Smails (Knight) and crass developer Al Czervik (Dangerfield). The club also boasts some great employees, mainly caddy Danny Noonan and greenskeeper Carl Spackler (Murray).

The overall story doesn't matter as much as the side splitting scenes that occur throughout the film, but generally the movie is about the struggle between snobs and slobs. It all culminates in an epic match play round between the team of Smails and Dr. Beeper against Ty and Al, and eventually Danny Noonan. Rather than give a blow by blow account of Caddyshack, I will instead do an extended "Things to watch for" because there is so much classic comedy stuffed into 98 minutes.

Things to watch for-

The Lama- big hitter, long
The Haverkampfs
Spaulding picking his nose
Rat farts
Ty sings Lacey Underall a love song
Fresca
Wang
This nape of the woods
Varmint Poon Tang
Mitch Cumstein
Cannonball with the Bob Marley joint
Winter Rules
The greatest slow burn artist ever- Ted Knight
A Cinderella Story
Kenny Loggin's great title song- I'm Alright
Baby Ruths can be dangerous
Making $14 the "hard way"
Fuzzy little foreigner

That's all I got, but I could go on for a lot longer. Just watch the movie again, and who knows you might get laid.

"Your honor, Your Honor."

PAC 12

Just like every other graduate and fan of the University of Utah, I was very pleased to see the Utes join the ranks of the PAC 10 Conference last week. Having been on hand for the Utes' two best football seasons ever, it was great validation for the hard work the athletic program has done to make our football team a national power. It is so nice to know that the next time the Utes go undefeated, they are more than likely going to be in the BCS Championship game because they are now a member of a BCS Conference.

With all that said, the BCS is still garbage and needs to be changed. I can solace myself, however, with the fact that in addition to usual rival, BYU, the Utes will have a much more interesting schedule- every year. USC, UCLA, Arizona State, Cal and Oregon will be filling Rice-Eccles Stadium with a better vibe than the likes of Mountain West opponents Colorado State and Wyoming ever could, and I mean no disrespect to those schools. Football is clearly the main focus of this blog entry, and the primary reason behind the invitation for Utah to join the PAC 10, but the move to the bigger conference has other effects as well.

The revenue that will be generated by the move will be beneficial for the school's athletic program, and all its teams, as well as the University of Utah's non-athletes. I hope that the money will get to all the programs at my alma mater that need it, and make the U a better institution overall. Also, there is a prestige that comes with being mentioned in the same breath with schools like Cal and Stanford that will hopefully make a diploma from Utah worth more to those who have one. I am really banking on this, by the way. I have always felt like the University of Utah was a very good, maybe even great, school, and this move to the PAC 10 simply reinforces the belief of many that the U is now in its rightful spot as one of the best universities in the western United States. GO UTES!

Things I Think- Summertime Edition

Summer is a great time of year. Despite the heat, I really enjoy much of what summertime brings- golf, staying light until 10 P.M., fireworks, baseball, popsicles, etc. This Summer is special because I have several awesome things planned like going to the Paul McCartney concert in July, and taking a much needed vacation with my wife to Napa in August. Here now are some of my thoughts on Summer.

I think nothing says Summer quite like the smell of freshly cut grass.

I think the Beach Boys are a must for any Summer iPod or CD mix. I think 'I Get Around' and 'California Girls' are two of the best songs for said mix.

I think I'm actually excited for the World Cup this Summer. Go Portugal and Cameroon!

I think you can't be too careful when it comes to preventing sunburns. Wear sunscreen and hats, people! This is dedicated to Mary Anne and Jessica Gleim.

I think the best made up holiday comes in Summer- Pie and Beer Day on the 24th of July. This is a pun on Pioneer Day which occurs on July 24th in Utah. Funny huh?

I think Wimbledon is another great Summer sporting tradition, in addition to the U.S. and British Opens for golf, and the NBA Finals. Go Celtics!

I think I love the fact that we have central air conditioning at my house.

I think the best popsicles are the ones with two sticks that come in the big plastic bag, and the best flavors are cherry, blue and root beer. Get away from me with that banana flavored one, that is some nasty crap. Otter Pops are good too.

I think the Utah Arts Festival is a great way to spend a June evening. I also think that the Neil Diamond Experience is being super weak by not playing the festival this year.

I think I need to go get ready for the Paul McCartney concert by practicing my Wings lyrics.

NBA All-time Team

I love basketball more than any other sport, and as such I have given a lot of thought to who would be on my all-time team. I have studied the game, the teams and the players over my whole life and have come up with 13 names. Obviously it is very difficult to have a perfect list, and someone will invariably come up with an argument for a great player who is left off. If you don't agree with my list, make your own. Before I present the list, I must say that I tried to have players from many different eras and teams to give the list variety. Here now, is the All-time Team.

STARTING LINEUP

C- BILL RUSSELL (Celtics) 11 Time Champion- the biggest winner and best leader of all time
F- KARL MALONE (Jazz) 2 Time MVP, 2nd in scoring all time, best power forward in the game
F- LARRY BIRD (Celtics) 3 Time Champion, Best clutch shooter ever
G- MICHAEL JORDAN (Bulls/Wizards) 6 Time Champion, 6 Time Finals MVP, Best player ever
G- MAGIC JOHNSON (Lakers) 5 Time Champion, 3 Time MVP, 6'9'' Point Guard

BENCH-

F- JULIUS ERVING (Nets/76ers) 1 Time MVP, 1 Time Champion, Dunking pioneer
G- JOHN STOCKTON (Jazz) All time steals and assists leader
C- KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR (Bucks/Lakers) 6 Time Champion, 6 Time MVP, Scoring Leader
G- OSCAR ROBERTSON (Royals/Bucks) 1 Time MVP, 1 Time Champion
C- WILT CHAMBERLAIN (76ers/Lakers) 4 Time MVP, 2 Time Champion
G- JERRY WEST (Lakers) 1 Time Champion, 1 Time Finals MVP, The Logo of the NBA
F- LEBRON JAMES (Cavaliers) 1 Time MVP, Currently the NBA's most dominant player
G- KOBE BRYANT (Lakers) 4 Time Champion, 1 Time MVP, 1 Time Finals MVP

There it is. I hope you Laker fans appreciate that Kobe, who I hate, made the list. I can be objective if I try.

Things I Think- Sporting Edition

Sports are the great equalizer. Everyone from the richest of the rich, to the poorest of the poor can enjoy a game of football, basketball, baseball or even curling. Whether in person or on T.V., sports are dramatic, redemptive and heart-wrenching. I love sports, some more than others, but I follow the ones I like quite religiously. On top of reading Sports Illustrated, I also watch Sports Center and Pardon the Interruption daily on ESPN. As such, I have some thoughts on the sporting world.

I think that people need to pick a team to cheer for and remain loyal to that team- FOREVER. Nothing bugs me more than people who jump from team to team just because they are winners. Also, I dislike people who don't root for their hometown teams and instead follow some sexier, big market team like oh, I don't know, The LAKERS! For the record, I follow the Jazz in basketball, the Packers in football, the Cubs in baseball and the Calgary Flames in hockey. If I ever root for someone else, you can kick me in the pills.

I think that NCAA March Madness is awesome the way it is. Lately there has been talk of expanding the tournament from 64 to 96 teams, and I hate that idea. If the field were expanded it would completely devalue getting a bid, and it would make filling out a bracket ridiculously difficult. Don't mess with the most perfect thing in sports!

I think that the best sports movies are Rocky, Raging Bull, Miracle and Hoosiers.

I think USC, Notre Dame, Lakers and Yankees fans are annoyingly smug.

I think any attempt to lengthen the playoffs or regular season of any sport is a mistake and is so obviously just a way for owners to make more money.

I think it would be nice if I could get into soccer because we have a team here in Salt Lake that just won the MLS Cup, but I can't.

I think Tiger Woods needs to come out of hiding and address the media. The longer he stays away, the worse it will be when he returns. It has been said that winning is the greatest deodorant, but I'm not sure that just putting up some W's in tournaments will be enough to redeem Tiger.

I think that Tiger should have been more like Arnold Palmer, who is a legend in the ass-getting department, but kept his business on the down-low.

I think PTI is on. Bye.