Things I Think

I used to do this type of post a lot on this blog, but I stole the idea and have been using it in my podcast, Audio Vaudeville. Here now are some of the best ones from my 16 episodes of Audio Vaudeville.

I think the Jazz should hire Karl Malone as assistant coach in charge of referring to yourself in the third person.

I think that Tufts University’s mascot should be two clumps of hair instead of an elephant.

I think I’m going to write a memoir about my experiences in an Arab country. I think I’ll call it, Three Cups of Lies.

I think there aren’t enough movies based on T.V. shows. I’m still waiting for the Judge Judy movie, starring Cate Blanchett as Judge Judy.

I think the new X-Men movie is really good, but I thought they missed an opportunity by not having Kevin Bacon’s mutant power be the ability to figure out how he was connected to all the other mutants in less than six moves.

I think if James Bond actually existed in real life he would probably have serious liver problems, several STDs and tons of unclaimed bastard children.

I think Rodin’s ‘The Thinker’ is probably thinking about where he left his car keys.

Movie of the Week

This Week,

X-MEN FIRST CLASS (2011)

Starring- James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, January Jones

Thank the mutant gods for this solid reboot of the X-Men franchise. After the grave disappointments of X-Men 3 and Wolverine, the series gets back to its roots with an origin story that focuses on the early careers of Professor Xavier and Erik Lensherr (aka Magneto). The reason why this film is so much better than the last two installments, and much more like the first two, is because of the involvement of the great Bryan Singer, who supplied the story for First Class.

It is 1962, and amid the rising tension of the Cold War, the stories of many a young mutant are unfolding. A young telepathic professor named Charles Xavier (McAvoy) is being charged with helping the U.S. government hunt down a group of mutants led by the sinister Sebastian Shaw (Bacon). At the same time, a Holocaust survivor named Erik (Fassbender), who can manipulate metal, is hunting Shaw to avenge his mother. The two young men meet and join forces to form a mutant team that will help avert World War III. On this team are Xavier's "sister" Mystique, played by Jennifer Lawrence, a kid with a killer scream named Banshee, Cyclops' brother, Havoc, and the scientist turned Beast- Hank McCoy. Shaw is not without support, and boasts a team of dark mutants led by his own telepath, Emma Frost (Jones).

I don't wish to spoil this film, so I won't get too far into the plot, but let's just say that a lot of stuff that is alluded to in the earlier films gets explained and fleshed out here. The film is stylishly retro with a nice Mad Men/James Bondish feel to it. It also boasts strong acting with the Charles/Erik relationship, portrayed by McAvoy and Fassbender, as the centerpiece. It isn't hard to believe that those two turn into Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. Also, Kevin Bacon is a first class villain- no pun intended.

If you enjoy the X-Men, this film will shed new light on what is a very compelling comic book saga. It also draws on parallels from the Cold War and Civil Rights movement that enrich the plot. Mutants are the future, and it looks like a bright one for the franchise.

Things to watch for-

An old friend at the bar
The coin
The X plane
Xavier's "groovy" pick up lines

"A new species is being born. Help me guide it, shape it... lead it."

Now is the Time to Pretend

There are many film series that I am happy to call myself a fan of, Star Trek, James Bond, Star Wars, Batman, Rocky, etc. However, within some of the great series lie a movie or two or three that suck so much you wish they had never made it. I can say that there are many films that I wish I could erase from my memory and fabricate something less awful in my mind in their place. I have worked very hard to eradicate any vestiges of these films from my mind, and you probably should too.

Here is a list of some of the films that need to be repressed.

X-MEN THE LAST STAND

The first 2 X-Men movies were great, and really made the comic book genre relevant in real life. Unlike other superhero flicks, the X-Men films were seemingly grounded in reality and the actors (Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Hugh Jackman) brought a credibility that set the bar for the new Batman films. I was so hungry to see the next installment after the Star Trek II-esque ending of X2, but could not have been more disappointed with the result. Brett Ratner took over the reins from Bryan Singer and led a great franchise into the toilet. Why? Why did Singer have to leave to make a crappy Superman movie? Only he knows, and now we are stuck pretending that The Last Stand didn't kill off Cyclops, Xavier and leave Magneto powerless. Thanks for nothing, Ratner.

SPIDERMAN 3

Again, two strong outings in a comic book series left me feeling optimistic for number 3, but again I was sooo wrong. Spiderman 3 has even less of an excuse to be awful than X-Men 3 because of the fact that the same team that brought us 1 and 2 came back to make 3. Sam Raimi did his actors no favors by muddying up the story with not one, not two, but three villians (New Goblin, Sandman and Venom) when each could have stood on their own. Also, Topher Grace stunk, as did Snaggletooth (Kirsten Dunst) who lobbied to have her character sing in the movie. What a mistake. They're planning a fourth film, but I'm not rushing to see it.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Where to begin? George Lucas has been on my shit list for so long now that I scarcely remember when I admired him for his early work. Nineteen years after the last Indy film, they made what can only be described as a cinematic stillborn. I wish I could abort the memory of the film because it effectively raped my childhood. I grew up on Indiana Jones, and dressed as him for Halloween more than once, but when I saw this film it was like watching somebody murder Santa Claus. I can't even get into specifics because it was so bad, but just let me say that in no universe, real or otherwise, is Shia LeBouf related to Harrison Ford.

ROCKY IV, V, VI

Not that I don't appreciate Dolph Lundgren's work, but they should have stopped after Rocky III. The end of the film where Rocky and Apollo fight alone in Mickey's gym is a perfect coda to the series. Even though I will watch Rocky pummel Ivan Drago when it comes on T.V., I swear I will never own anything but the first three films. Sly could never top Mr. T and Hulk Hogan as opponents even if he tried for 100 years.