Hey, you, Schmohawk!

Try as they might, people keep doing dumb/annoying/lame things and scream to be given Schmohawk status. I must oblige them and put them here for all to see and ridicule.

THE PEOPLE BEHIND SPIDER-MAN THE MUSICAL

Wow. I haven't heard such bad things about a musical since I ripped apart anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The Schmohawks behind Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have taken forever to put together a ridiculously expensive worker's comp lawsuit set to the lameass music of Bono and The Edge. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should- oh wait, nevermind, they can't even get through one performance without some kind of snafu. Julie Taymor and the rest of her Schmohawk buddies need to try something a little less involved next time, like Hawkman.

CARL WIMMER

This Utah Representative, and first class Schmohawk sponsored a Bill to designate a state gun. The Browning M1911 pistol is now one of Utah's symbols along with the beehive and sugar beet. Did this guy miss that whole shooting rampage in Arizona a few months back? What a massive Schmohawk! I can't even put into words how off putting something like this is. The last thing we need is a state gun, but now thanks to Carl Wimmer we wasted precious hours on an inane piece of legislation, when there are sooooo many more important things that our elected officials should be worried about.

WEATHERMEN/WOMEN

I know predicting the weather isn't an exact science, but most of the time these Schmohawks can't even come close. Too many times this winter we were told to brace for "Snowmageddon"and then NOTHING HAPPENED! Yes, it's good to be prepared, but there is such a thing as going overboard. If I was wrong at my job as often as weather forecasters are, I would be fired. A tip for the weather people, just give us the 7 day forecast and we'll move on. With these guys and gals there's a 70% chance of Schmohawkery.

Now is the Time to Pretend

There are many film series that I am happy to call myself a fan of, Star Trek, James Bond, Star Wars, Batman, Rocky, etc. However, within some of the great series lie a movie or two or three that suck so much you wish they had never made it. I can say that there are many films that I wish I could erase from my memory and fabricate something less awful in my mind in their place. I have worked very hard to eradicate any vestiges of these films from my mind, and you probably should too.

Here is a list of some of the films that need to be repressed.

X-MEN THE LAST STAND

The first 2 X-Men movies were great, and really made the comic book genre relevant in real life. Unlike other superhero flicks, the X-Men films were seemingly grounded in reality and the actors (Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Hugh Jackman) brought a credibility that set the bar for the new Batman films. I was so hungry to see the next installment after the Star Trek II-esque ending of X2, but could not have been more disappointed with the result. Brett Ratner took over the reins from Bryan Singer and led a great franchise into the toilet. Why? Why did Singer have to leave to make a crappy Superman movie? Only he knows, and now we are stuck pretending that The Last Stand didn't kill off Cyclops, Xavier and leave Magneto powerless. Thanks for nothing, Ratner.

SPIDERMAN 3

Again, two strong outings in a comic book series left me feeling optimistic for number 3, but again I was sooo wrong. Spiderman 3 has even less of an excuse to be awful than X-Men 3 because of the fact that the same team that brought us 1 and 2 came back to make 3. Sam Raimi did his actors no favors by muddying up the story with not one, not two, but three villians (New Goblin, Sandman and Venom) when each could have stood on their own. Also, Topher Grace stunk, as did Snaggletooth (Kirsten Dunst) who lobbied to have her character sing in the movie. What a mistake. They're planning a fourth film, but I'm not rushing to see it.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Where to begin? George Lucas has been on my shit list for so long now that I scarcely remember when I admired him for his early work. Nineteen years after the last Indy film, they made what can only be described as a cinematic stillborn. I wish I could abort the memory of the film because it effectively raped my childhood. I grew up on Indiana Jones, and dressed as him for Halloween more than once, but when I saw this film it was like watching somebody murder Santa Claus. I can't even get into specifics because it was so bad, but just let me say that in no universe, real or otherwise, is Shia LeBouf related to Harrison Ford.

ROCKY IV, V, VI

Not that I don't appreciate Dolph Lundgren's work, but they should have stopped after Rocky III. The end of the film where Rocky and Apollo fight alone in Mickey's gym is a perfect coda to the series. Even though I will watch Rocky pummel Ivan Drago when it comes on T.V., I swear I will never own anything but the first three films. Sly could never top Mr. T and Hulk Hogan as opponents even if he tried for 100 years.