Hey, you, Schmohawk!

Try as they might, people keep doing dumb/annoying/lame things and scream to be given Schmohawk status. I must oblige them and put them here for all to see and ridicule.

THE PEOPLE BEHIND SPIDER-MAN THE MUSICAL

Wow. I haven't heard such bad things about a musical since I ripped apart anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The Schmohawks behind Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have taken forever to put together a ridiculously expensive worker's comp lawsuit set to the lameass music of Bono and The Edge. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should- oh wait, nevermind, they can't even get through one performance without some kind of snafu. Julie Taymor and the rest of her Schmohawk buddies need to try something a little less involved next time, like Hawkman.

CARL WIMMER

This Utah Representative, and first class Schmohawk sponsored a Bill to designate a state gun. The Browning M1911 pistol is now one of Utah's symbols along with the beehive and sugar beet. Did this guy miss that whole shooting rampage in Arizona a few months back? What a massive Schmohawk! I can't even put into words how off putting something like this is. The last thing we need is a state gun, but now thanks to Carl Wimmer we wasted precious hours on an inane piece of legislation, when there are sooooo many more important things that our elected officials should be worried about.

WEATHERMEN/WOMEN

I know predicting the weather isn't an exact science, but most of the time these Schmohawks can't even come close. Too many times this winter we were told to brace for "Snowmageddon"and then NOTHING HAPPENED! Yes, it's good to be prepared, but there is such a thing as going overboard. If I was wrong at my job as often as weather forecasters are, I would be fired. A tip for the weather people, just give us the 7 day forecast and we'll move on. With these guys and gals there's a 70% chance of Schmohawkery.

Some More Favorite Salt Lake Places

I have lived in Salt Lake City a long time, and know many of its restaurants, shops and speakeasies well. Here now are a few more of my favorite spots in my hometown.

THE DODO RESTAURANT

This place has been a staple in SLC since 1981. I know it well because I worked there for about five years while I was in college. Unlike other restaurants I have worked in, I never got sick of the food at The Dodo. It boasts a very diverse and unique menu, as well as the best desserts I have ever tasted. While the Toll House Pie is the most popular, I prefer the silky smooth Chocolate Almond Mousse Pie or the sinfully rich Peanut Butter Cream Cheese Pie. Also, let's not forget The Dodo's signature item- the Smoked Turkey Sandwich and House Salad. The sandwich comes with a side of barbeque dipping sauce that is good enough to drink by itself. MMMM boy, I could sure go for a turkey sandwich right now.

LAMB'S GRILL

The oldest restaurant in Salt Lake, Lamb's has one of the best and most affordable breakfasts I have ever eaten. The decor is very old fashioned, but has been kept up over the years, so that it looks the same as when I was a child. The long counter and dark wood booths are the perfect setting for a hearty, perfectly cooked meal that is served by a polite and experienced staff. I haven't ever gone there for lunch or dinner, but if they are anything like breakfast, I'm sure you will leave satisfied.

GREEK SOUVLAKI

I must be hungry because I keep listing restaurants, but this one is very worthy of a mention. The original location is on 3rd South and has some of the best Greek food around. I love the cheerful staff and the speed with which they prepare the tasty Gyros, rice, Souvlaki and fries for which they are so well known. There are other decent Greek places in Salt Lake, but this one is my favorite and the most consistent. Yassou!

Favorite Salt Lake Places

I have lived in Salt Lake City my whole life, and as such I feel like I know it well. The city has its problems, like any city, but it also has some great local flavor. Here now are a few of my favorite hang outs/restaurants/bars/etc. in Salt Lake.

HIRES BIG H

There are three locations for this famous restaurant, but the definitive one is on 7th East and 4th South in Salt Lake. I have been eating at Hires since I was a kid, and have always loved it. Its really not very ballsy as a Salt Laker to say, "I love Hires" because, frankly, who doesn't? That is the point though, the fries, the onion rings, the frosty mugs of root beer and the Big H with that fabulous sauce are the stuff of Utah legend. The shakes and freezes are amazing too, in case you didn't already know.

THE PIE

Walk down the stairs and into the dark brick-walled pizza joint that has been feeding University of Utah students for decades, and you will be changed forever. Just like Hires, the Pie is an institution in Salt Lake. With pizza so cheesy that it makes cows cry, and pitchers of cola or beer on the table, its impossible to leave the Pie hungry or unsatisfied. While the pizza is great, the best thing is the Cheese Pull Apart with a side of ranch and marinara. Again, most people from Salt Lake will not be surprised by  my picking the Pie, but I don't care.

THE BAR X

Gone, but never forgotten, The Bar X was Salt Lake's greatest watering hole. Serving the coldest beer in town, it gained a steady following of regulars that were drawn to its no frills atmosphere and the transcendent "appetizer platter." We can only hope that when it re-opens it retains some of the dank magic that made it so great in its heyday.