Look, A Schmohawk!

I now present to you a new group of Schmohawks. Ridicule them, as I have done, for they carry high the standard of Schmohawkery.

JOHNNY MILLER-

This guy is golf's greatest Schmohawk. So much so that it's clear most of, if not all, his fellow broadcasters at NBC barely seem to be able to tolerate him. His ridiculous comments and holier-than-thou attitude make the tournaments he calls almost unwatchable. We get it, you were a good player, but Jack Nicklaus he isn't. He's from Utah so maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can't. Johnny Miller is an insufferable gas bag, i.e. a Schmohawk.

DANE COOK

Like many people, I laughed at some of his jokes when he first came on the scene, but then I just stopped laughing. Why? Because this Schmohawk really isn't that funny. Guess why we haven't heard his name lately- it's because he ran out of material about two years ago and made some of the worst movies ever. I hope he didn't blow all of his money when he was popular because Schmohawk comedians don't make that much once the pubic moves on to people who actually have talent.

THE KARDASHIANS

I've never seen people with less reason to be famous than the Schmohawkians. I didn't know dating/marrying athletes was something that got you an automatic ticket to stardom. I guess you have to give them credit for parlaying something any half decent looking woman could do into money, fame and the most god-awful excuse for a T.V. show in the history of the world. The only people who are bigger Schmohawks than the Kardashians are their fans. People usually go away if they're ignored, so please, stop keeping up with them.

Hey, you, Schmohawk!

Try as they might, people keep doing dumb/annoying/lame things and scream to be given Schmohawk status. I must oblige them and put them here for all to see and ridicule.

THE PEOPLE BEHIND SPIDER-MAN THE MUSICAL

Wow. I haven't heard such bad things about a musical since I ripped apart anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The Schmohawks behind Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have taken forever to put together a ridiculously expensive worker's comp lawsuit set to the lameass music of Bono and The Edge. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should- oh wait, nevermind, they can't even get through one performance without some kind of snafu. Julie Taymor and the rest of her Schmohawk buddies need to try something a little less involved next time, like Hawkman.

CARL WIMMER

This Utah Representative, and first class Schmohawk sponsored a Bill to designate a state gun. The Browning M1911 pistol is now one of Utah's symbols along with the beehive and sugar beet. Did this guy miss that whole shooting rampage in Arizona a few months back? What a massive Schmohawk! I can't even put into words how off putting something like this is. The last thing we need is a state gun, but now thanks to Carl Wimmer we wasted precious hours on an inane piece of legislation, when there are sooooo many more important things that our elected officials should be worried about.

WEATHERMEN/WOMEN

I know predicting the weather isn't an exact science, but most of the time these Schmohawks can't even come close. Too many times this winter we were told to brace for "Snowmageddon"and then NOTHING HAPPENED! Yes, it's good to be prepared, but there is such a thing as going overboard. If I was wrong at my job as often as weather forecasters are, I would be fired. A tip for the weather people, just give us the 7 day forecast and we'll move on. With these guys and gals there's a 70% chance of Schmohawkery.

Happy New Year, Schmohawks!

Some people just couldn't wait to get going on their Schmohawkery, so here are the newest batch of idiots, morons and losers for 2011.

BILL AND GIULIANA RANCIC

These two Schmohawks are famous for God knows what and they have a show on the T.V. I know a lot of losers have T.V. shows, but these two get Schmohawk status because they are so insufferable when they talk to each other. Their whole relationship seems awkward and wooden and it sounds like the stuff they say to each other is being read off of cue cards. Next time two obscure Schmohawks are given a show, make sure they are more interesting and sincere than the Rancics.


OHIO STATE FOOTBALL

Some Schmohawks from the Ohio State Football team, including star QB Torelle Pryor, traded autographs for tattoos in a clear violation of NCAA rules. I'm not at all sad for these guys, mostly because Ohio State is one of the most overrated programs, and their fans are almost as smug as the Schmohawks at USC and Notre Dame. Schmohawkery earned those boys a five game suspension. By the way, what kind of a mascot is a Buckeye, anyway?


MARK WAHLBERG

This guy has been and always will be the archetypal Schmohawk. Let's count the ways, he was an underpants showing white rapper, he has no sense of humor about himself, he thinks he's a huge badass, and now that his new movie The Fighter is gaining critical acclaim he'll be even more self absorbed than before. I wish there was a way to get this Schmohawk out of the public eye for good. Scandal anyone?

Here Come The Schmohawks

Check out the latest Schmohawks.

THE REPUBLICANS

These Schmohawks whined and complained for the last two years about how Obama has not done enough to fix all the problems that their boy George W. Bush got us into. With the election last week they got what they wanted and now they need to put their money where their mouth is. Solutions are more than just offering criticism and I'm glad that they will be on the hook to work with the Democrats to get things done in Washington. Responsibility is now the word of the day. Be careful what you wish for, Schmohawks, you may get it.

THE DEMOCRATS

The symbol of the Schmohawk might as well be a donkey. The Democrats failed once again to get together on a consistent message, and as a result, lost a pantload of seats to the Republicans. Obama can't be held completely responsible for his party's failures in the last two years, but he also hasn't been perfect. Neither have other Democratic leaders who tried to throw the President under the bus in their campaigns. Let's hope that they get out Schmohawked by the GOP in the next two years and regain what they lost this week. Don't be surprised if the Schmohawkery continues, though.

THE PRODUCERS OF JAMES BOND

Hawk. Schmo Hawk. There hasn't been this much enthusiasm for James Bond since the 1960's, but you wouldn't know it. MGM, the studio that has produced 007 films for a long time, is in the process of being sold and that has stalled production on Daniel Craig's third outing indefinitely. It is sad that we might have to wait three or four years, or maybe more, before Bond is back on the big screen. Craig will want to move on if the Schmohawks in charge can't get it a script together and decide what is going to happen with MGM. Here's a thought, take 007 somewhere that isn't mired in financial woes- anybody who isn't a Schmohawk would love to be in business with 007.

Schmohawk Alert!

Unfortunately the world seems to be rife with Schmohawks these days. I see them on T.V. and in person. Here now are a few Schmohawks to add to the list.

THE WOMEN OF 'THE VIEW'

I am all for feminism and giving women an opportunity to speak their minds, but these psycho harpies are doing all women serious harm. They are so misinformed, uninteresting and unfunny that they take Schmohawkery to new heights- or should I say depths. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is the worst, but Whoopi is fast becoming her equal. I would say that Barbara Walters needs to come and straighten these Schmohawks out, but she's been Schmohawking it up since the 1970's.

PEOPLE WHO END SENTENCES WITH 'AT'

Where are you at? I don't know, but it sounds like I'm in the vicinity of a Schmohawk. This has seemingly become part of the way we talk as a society, but it makes those who do it Schmohawks. You don't need the 'at,' just say 'Where are you?' That's all that needs to be said. Do yourself a favor and drop the ats at the end of your sentences, Schmohawk.

MILEY CYRUS

Not that she ever had a chance, but this girl has finally made the move to Schmohawk Country. Can't anybody in her inner circle show her a before and after on Britney Spears' life? She's one unplanned pregnancy from working the counter at a Maverick. Billy Ray is no help either because his Schmohawk ass is sporting the Rachel haircut from circa 1996. Sorry Miley, but your career is getting Schmohawkier with every slutty pole dance you do.

Hey, Schmohawks!

The world is full of disappointing people, and Larry David's name for them is- Schmohawk. I like this term, and will now give you a new list of Schmohawks.

KEVIN GARN

This Schmohawk from the Utah Legislature went down onto the House floor and admitted to having a naked hot tub experience with a minor back in his mid-twenties, and then paying her hush money when he ran for office. He only had to come clean because his lady friend was trying to extort him further. What a massive Schmohawk!

JEREMY PIVEN

Most people know Piven for his work on the wildly unentertaining show "Entourage," but on this blog he is more known for his Schmohawk behavior. Piven is known in many circles to be a real cheapskate and was even banned from a chain of restaurants after being rude to management and leaving only a DVD copy of Entourage as a tip on a several hundred dollar tab. Maybe not everyone remembers when you were a bald supporting character on "Ellen," but I do, Schmohawk.

GLENN BECK

This guy is such a Schmohawk that I can barely write about it. Beck's crybaby ramblings are rooted in his paranoid brain and nowhere else. Many have said that Beck's use of conspiracies to prove points only spreads fear and chaos. I agree, but will take it a step further and quote Jon Stewart, "finally, a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking."

Look at These Schmohawks

Schmohawk is a word I stole from one of my favorite people, Larry David. It is used to describe a person who is an idiot, moron, douchebag or all of the above. Here now are some people that

I think fit the bill as Schmohawks.

JOHN EDWARDS

Thank god this guy lost the election, or we could have had President Schmohawk. I admit, I was a huge Edwards fan, and I enjoyed his populist message, but what a Schmohawk. While his wife, who is awesome, had cancer he went and knocked up some other woman, and then refused to accept responsibility as the father. Textbook Schmohawk behavior.

GILBERT ARENAS

Bang! Bang! Agent Zero, or now, Agent Schmohawk, brought guns into the Washington Wizards locker room in a clear violation of NBA rules. Yeah, way to help the people of one of our nation's most violent cities forget that the team used to be called the Bullets. He apologized, but then in true Schmohawk fashion did this (see picture) during last night's introductions. This Schmohawk will be lucky to play again.

JON GOSSELIN

Sure, his wife is a raging bitch on wheels, but this guy is a total Schmohawk. His whiny, lazy ass is lucky that his spawn bought him his fifteen minutes of fame because I've seen more interesting stains on my driveway. His kids would be destined for a future as an Arby's night manager if they followed his example. Please tell me the gossip columns will drop this Schmohawk like a bag of dirt in 2010.

That's it, and there's no hope for these Schmohawks to be un-Schmohawked. Once a Schmohawk, always a Schmohawk.